Some Knowledge

The ants invaded last night.  All over the basement floor little black creepy crawlies scurrying around looking for food.  It has been very dry outside this month.  Perhaps they were looking for water.  Perhaps this is why they were swarming in the sink and drains, drowning themselves in their quest for refreshment.

If there’s one thing I know, it’s that ants are always hungry.  I had five nice tins of yummy poisoned ant food all ready for these guests.  It took only a few minutes to pry open the access doors on the metal ant traps with a screwdriver and set them out on the basement floor.  Well, now the invaders had a nice snack that would eventually kill them all, including their annoying queen.

Now the problem was that there were just too many of these little black scavengers scooting across the floor.  It was time for some good old fashioned American cartoon violence.  I started looking around for a hammer.  I found a nice big rubber mallet that would not ding the concrete floor.  Then it was just a matter of walking back and forth across the floor swinging the mallet and bonking the little bastards into a pulp.  There must have been a couple hundred ants running for their lives.  I got every one that was under the stairs, crawling out from the freezers, creeping in the laundry, every one I could see.

It was late, so I went to sleep.  I had a vision of a basement swarming with thousands of ants as I lay in bed trying to get to sleep.  I turned on the lights and went back downstairs.  With the mallet I got six more of the little invaders.  I left the ant traps to take care of any scouts and finally went to sleep.  Today there are still a few of the little critters creeping around, but their numbers have been cut down seriously.  It will only be a matter of time before the poison kills off any that I miss with the cartoon hammer.  Ants are everywhere, but when they get in the house, it is time for them to die.

First, send Dad to the store to get a new faucet.  A week later, when you start thinking about installing the faucet, notice that the flange is too wide and the faucet will overhang the sink.  Then, send Dad back to Home Depot to get a properly-sized faucet.  A week later, when you get around to installing the faucet, put on your plumbing hat and then look for tools.  Of course, you have misplaced the basin wrench.  Spend almost an hour looking everywhere for the danged wrench.  Give up and send Dad to Home Depot to buy a wrench and some new plumber’s putty, because the old putty has hardened in the can.

Clean out everything on top of and under the sink.  Crawl under the sink and shut off the water supply.  Notice that the valves drip when you’re turning them off.  Disconnect the water lines from the sink and almost get soaked when water pours out of the lines.  Disconnect all the levers that go to the drain.  Remove the drain, noticing how clogged it happens to be.  Throw the old drain in the trash.  By this time Dad is home with the basin wrench.  Loosen the plastic nuts that hold the old faucet in the sink with the basin wrench and remove the old faucet.  Get a scrubbing pad from the kitchen and clean off the crud that was under the old faucet.

Now, look at the holes for the faucet in the sink.  Notice that the center hole is smaller than the two holes for the water supply.  Think to yourself how the new faucet has a rotary cable gimmick that has a thick connector that is supposed to go through the small center hole in the sink.  Get the new faucet.  Notice how the cable gimmick is too large to go through the hole.  Send Dad to Home Depot to take back the second faucet and get one that fits.  Drink coffee and watch TV while Dad is gone to the store.

When Dad returns with the new faucet, make sure it will fit.  Install the new faucet and the water lines.  Install the new drain with some new plumber’s putty.  Notice how the new drain will not reach the trap, because it is too short.  Go down in the basement and look through the box of plumbing supplies for a drain extension.  Find the basin wrench in the box of plumbing stuff.  Shrug and get a drain extension from the box.  Check the drain extension to see if it fits.  Notice that it is the wrong diameter.  Put the drain extension back in the box and go back upstairs.

Dad has spent too much time on the road.  Get in the truck and go to Home Depot and get a drain extension.  Be sure to take the old trap with you so that you get the right size drain extension.  Pay six more dollars and drive home.  Sock up the new drain in the sink so that it seats well.  Fit the new drain extension into the line and mark it for cutting to the right length.  Cut the new drain extension to size with a hacksaw and deburr it with an old file.  Put the drain together and tighten it good with a stillson wrench.

Hook up the stopper mechanism with the rods included in the faucet set.  Make sure everything operates properly.  Turn on the water supply and check for leaks.  Tighten the packing nut on the cold water valve so it doesn’t leak.  Pull the drain rod and fill the sink with water.  Check under the sink for leaks.  Notice that water is pouring out around the drain.  Drain the sink and mop up the water with a towel.  Loosen the drain packing nut and tighten it back down all nice and centered with both hands.  Fill the sink again and notice that it doesn’t leak.  Spend the next ten minutes being sure the drain doesn’t leak.

Now clean up all the tools and the mess.  Put all the soap and cleaners back under the sink.  Check the sink again for leaks.  Take all the tools back downstairs to the basement and put them all away.  Wash your hands in the new sink.  Take off your plumbing hat and have lunch.